


the scars on our hands, on our hearts

by writing_elle



Category: IT (2017), IT (2019), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Fix-it Fix, Hospital, Injury, I’m so sorry, M/M, Richie saves Eddie because that’s defo what he saw in the Deadlights??, Stan is still dead, and Eddie’s married to his mom??, bc its a fanfic, but not without some issues first, like come on??, otp finally get together after 27 years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-12-09 11:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20993987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_elle/pseuds/writing_elle
Summary: the deadlights, they show you things. things you can never unsee. and now they’ve shown richie tozier the fate of another, why wouldn’t he do all that he could to save him?ORthe author can’t stop crying every time she thinks about richie and eddie and how they didn’t get their chance so she decided to go ahead and fix what is wrong.





	1. chp. 1; and at last i see the (dead)light

**Author's Note:**

> had a bit of a cry over eddie dying, decided that I would write this, wrote it in and hour and a half. let me know what you thought, will try and write the next chapter asap but bear with me, i just started university and am trying to get to grips with it all.
> 
> chapter title; i see the light - tangled (with an IT twist)

‘_Yippee Ki-Yay mother -‘_

Those words were the last thing Richie Tozier remembered before his body went limp and he was sucked into what he would later find out to be the “Deadlights’ (with a capital D to make it more official).

What he sees in those Deadlights is something that would haunt him for the rest of his life. Sure, he knew what Beverly had seen in the lights all those years ago (had it really been twenty seven years?), but experiencing it for himself? That was a different feeling.

He saw how everyone died.

Stan slitting his wrists in the bathtub after finding out IT was back.

Beverly being beaten to death by her asshole of a husband.

Bill getting into a gruesome accident that ultimately kills him after several days in an intensive care unit, but he is ultimately reunited with Georgie, and that’s all he’s ever wanted in life. 

Mike, with the guilt of his ritual not working sacrificing himself to IT (although somewhere in Richie’s confused mind, he thought how Mike had been tackled out of the way with just moments to spare).

Ben was shot and killed by a jealous business rival.

And then Richie fell 20 feet to the floor, landing on his arm and smacking his head with a crack that resounded throughout his skull. For a moment, he didn’t know how to move, instead chose to just lay on the uncomfortable stone floor as the world before him seemed to tilt this way and that.

He heard his voice being called by several different voices, none of them clear, all muffled, as if he was under water. Vaguely, Richie could feel footsteps coming closer to him and then a light tapping on his cheek.

‘Hey, Richie, come on man, wake up,’ the mysterious person called out to him.

Blinking wearily, Richie manages to get his eyes to focus momentarily and sees that it’s Eddie leaning over him, looking rather pleased with himself, ‘I did it, Richie. I got him! I think I killed him.’ He hears the man, his best - friend - that - he - just - remembered - was - his - best - friend, correction, the love of his life, call from above him, the pride in himself evident. And although Richie is still somewhat out of it - _god damn it, that drop really did a number on him_ \- Eddie’s cheers are cut short.

By the claw now piercing his chest.

Blood - warm, red, blood, is now splattered all over Richie, covering his face and body, but none of that registers at that moment.

All that Richie Tozier can register in those moments is the stunned look on Eddie’s face as he glances down at the claw protruding from his chest. He manages to whimper out a quiet, ‘Richie’ before he is tossed around the cavern like a rag doll.

Before Richie can even begin to scream after the shorter boy, he is yanked back into the darkness.

* * *

And then he is blinded by a bright light once again. 

Without a moment to comprehend what was happening, Richie once again finds himself plummeting down to earth with a great force.

Again, he lands on his arm and there is a searing pain throughout his nerves and yeah that’s defiantly a hospital trip. His head follows swiftly, cracking against the unforgiving stone floor once more and for a moment.

As he lay there for a moment, the sound of his name being called muffled, probably by that concussion he had just sustained, Richie tried to come up with what was happening.

Eddie was leaning over him, calling out to him with a grin plastered over his face. At that moment, Richie had exactly three thoughts running through his head.

1\. _He has a gorgeous smile._

2\. _Am I some sort of time loop - oh my god am I ever going to get out of it?_

And 3. _Holy shit Eddie is about to die._

With some difficulty, Richie thrust his arm forwards to grab Eddie, any part of Eddie he could get ahold of, and used as much strength as he could muster to throw him out of the line of the claw.

Without letting go of him, Richie let his body follow as the rolled down the sharp and jagged rocks, scratches and bruises, cuts ands abrasions forming as they went.

When they finally came to a stop, thanks to a rather large rock, Richie closed his eyes, taking a heaving breath. He’d done it, he’d saved Eddie from his fate.

Next to him, said boy was regaining his bearings, pushing himself onto his elbows with an angry huff, ‘_What the hell was that for_?’ He’d began to screech when a loud rumbling tore throughout the cave, rocks becoming loose as a result and tumbling to the floor.

Turning towards the sound of the source, Eddie’s eyes turned, in what Richie would have described in any other situation, comically large.

Right where the two men had been mere seconds ago, a large claw was now embedded into the rock, attached to the spider - clown body of IT.

He could hear the screams of the other losers as they all witnessed what was once Eddie’s fate.

His breaths began to become shallow as he could almost feel the claw piercing through his chest, in a move that would surely have killed him.

Turning back to the man who had clumsily dragged him down a slope of rocks, out of the line of fire, Eddie began to speak, the words on the tip of his tongue, when they were suddenly extinguished at the site of Richie’s form crumpled in the same position he had landed in.

His eyes were closed, head bent to the side and he was taking shallow breaths.

‘R-Richie?’ He stuttered out. As Eddie’s brain began to process everything, he realised that Richie had taken a pretty hard fall when he was released from the Deadlights. In fact, in this lighting he almost look - ‘Richie come on man, wake up.’

Taking a moment of hesitation, unsure whether it was wise to touch the man, Eddie finally placed a genital hand on his shoulder, giving it a little shake.

The movement did nothing the rouse the man before him and Eddie’s breathing increased some more, ‘Come on, Richie, wake up!’

After another failed attempt and just as he was about to try for the third time, already shaking the man in question’s shoulder, Richie’s eyes began to blink open. He seemed confused, unsure of where he was as his eyes roamed around the cave before he made eye contact with Eddie.

The relief was instant on behalf of both parties, Richie realising that he had, indeed, been successful, and Eddie, realising that Richie was still alive.

Without saying anything, Eddie reached forwards, completely ignoring every instinct that was telling about all the diseases that he might get from touching a man who had been running around the sewers for the best part of a day, and pulled him close.

As he began to play events of the last few moments back, he unconsciously pulled Richie tighter to him, afraid that if he let him go that it would all just be a delusion, that he was suffering from the blood loss from the spike through his chest.

Richie could not, as much as he wanted to, hug the other man back because his only good arm was pinned between the two of them and instead chose to relinquish in the feeling of being held.

Only when Eddie jolted his arm in an effort to turn towards the others, who had made their way over to the duo, did he make a noise halfway between a scream of pain and a whimper.

‘What?’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Richie?’

‘Talk to us man.’

He could hear everyone’s concerns as they gathered around him and Eddie let go of him like he was on fire. He almost whimpered at the loss of contact, in fact, he might have.

Distractedly, Richie moved his good arm to gesture towards his not so good one, ‘You moved it,’ he managed to get out.

Eddie redirected his attention towards the offending limb and as carefully as he could, began to examine the arm. Instantly, he could tell that there were several fractures in the arm and fingers, judging by the way that his wrist was bent at an awkward angle and the shape that two of his fingers were laying in. If that wasn’t an indication then nothing was. ‘Oh yeah, you’re going to need a hospital, buddy.’ He tried to say as gently as possible as Richie just blinked up at him. ‘I think we’re going to need to try and rest some of this, so you don’t lose blood flow ok?’

In a manor completely opposite to the way Eddie had acted when Richie had rest his arm, the later seemed to be too far out of it to realise what Eddie was doing to his arm until it was too late and the searing, blinding pain took over his body.

He must have blacked out for a moment because he could feel somebody holding his head and stroking his hair in an oddly relaxing way, and he could here Eddie trying to reassure him in a way that any good medical professional would.

When the pain had subsided enough for his eyes to work properly, Richie could make out that Bev was the one by his head, reassuring him with loving gestures while the rest of the losers were stood further back, as if going to hold off IT but if the creature did try and attack them, then there was nothing they were going to be able to do.

Beverly, still leaning above him, noticed the way that Richie was spaced out and called Eddie’s attention to it.

Grabbing a discarded flashlight, Eddie leaned over Richie and began to test his eyes while asking him various questions, trying to get a response from him.

The lack of response began to make the panic Eddie had been previously feeling rise, these weren’t good signs, there was something wrong here.

“He needs a hospital, guys!’ He called out to the losers, who glanced him a quick look before turning their focus back to the clown, still listening to what Eddie had to say. ‘He’s got some kind of brain injury. I can’t help him.’ He ended with a choked sob.

However IT was blocking the only way out of the little nook they had found themselves forced into.

‘How do we get out of here?’ Ben asked wearily, glancing between each one of his friends, willing them to come up with a plan.

‘We could try driving it away?’ Bev suggested but it was quickly shot down, ‘There’s no where for us to run, if we try and leave here, it’ll get us within seconds.’ Bill shook his head.

‘Throwing stones at it didn’t work, it clearly made it worse,’ Mike nodded towards Richie and Eddie couldn’t help the overprotective glare he shot at him, causing the former to hold his hands up in defence, ‘Just saying.’

‘I made it small,’ Eddie muttered, remembering his earlier encounter with the leper.

Mike narrowed his eyes at him, ‘Speak up, Eddie, IT’s making a lot of noise out there.’

‘The leper earlier, I made it small. I had my hands around it’s throat and I made it small. I wasn’t afraid of it, I was trying to make it feel as though it was nothing.’ Eddie recounted to the group,never letting go of Richie’s good hand that he had claimed at some point during their discussion.

‘To make it small, you have to make it think it’s small.’ Mike nodded, turning quickly away from the trio on the floor, ‘Follow my lead.’

The other losers, minus Richie and Eddie, dashed out of the nook and Eddie could hear them chanting in the distance.

Richie weakly pulled his hand from Eddie’s grasp, causing the shorter boy to look at him confused. ‘Go help them,’ he told him in the most commanding voice he could muster. The effects of the head injury he had sustained, however, were causing him to sound not very commanding.

With a little more jeering from Richie, Eddie reluctantly told him to stay awake, not to fall asleep and that he would be back soon.

_And if Richie closed his eyes for just a moment, Eddie would surely never know, right?_


	2. chp.2; the world of my creation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s dead, but is some else dead too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rather quick update on my behalf, not sure when i’ll have the next one but do enjoy this. apologies in advance x 
> 
> chapter title; pure imagination (ready player one) l’orchestra cinematique

IT was nothing more than a shrivelled pile of flesh and bones as it lay in the centre of the cave, the other losers leaning over IT, chanting and making him as small as they could.

Finally, when IT was small enough, Mike leant down and let his hand slip into its chest, pulling out the still beating heart.

Together, they closed their hands around it, squeezing it into nothing. Eddie made sure that he squeezed twice as hard to compensate for Richie not being there to help. He had helped just as much as any of them.

With IT gone forever, the remaining five losers turned and rushed back to wear they left Richie. His now set arm was resting on his abdomen, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose as his head was titled slightly.

‘Richie! We did it, Rich!’ Eddie began to excitedly exclaim until he realised that the man in question eyes were closed. ‘N-no.’

‘Eddie?’ He could hear Ben ask from behind him as all the shorter man could do was stare at his friend.

‘Eddie is he dead?’ He could hear Bev ask with a shaky, choked sob. Richie was just as much her best friend as he was Eddie’s (yeah, best friend. That wasn’t a stab in his heart he felt.)

With a shaking hand, Eddie placed two fingers underneath his jaw, feeling for a pulse. For a moment he had to remind himself that he was a married man and that he defiantly did not like the way the stubble on his cheek felt on his hand. _Myra, Myra, Myra_.

Before he could begin to focus on checking Richie’s pulse, the man shifted, letting out a groan at the pain he was feeling. ‘I’m alive,’ he tried to tell them, but his words came out a slur, a side effect of the concussion he was suffering from.

Eddie let his hand fall to his side in just a moment of relief before the cave around them began collapsing. Of course, the cave would begin collapsing, it’s very creator no longer roamed this earth, it had no reason to still be here.

Each loser shared a panicked glance with another as debris began to fall from the ceiling. ‘Can he w-walk?’ Bill stuttered from next to him - when did he get there? ‘We haven’t got much time.’ He told them, watching a particularly large chunk fall from the roof.

Ben moved around Eddie, towards Richie and his good arm, helping him sit up. With a lot of effort, the blonde managed to get Richie to his feet, who promptly began to fall back to the unforgiving floor as soon as his support was gone.

As Ben caught him before he could hit the floor again, Mike swooped in on his other side, the side that Eddie had set, and gingerly helped support him. ‘Let’s go, we haven’t got much time,’ he called over the sounds of collapsing rubble. Turning back to Richie, he muttered out a ‘I’m sorry, I might hurt you but this is going to be best for you in the long run.’ Said man had nothing to say to him in return, and the group of 6 took off back towards the surface.

* * *

The trip back to the surface took a lot longer than Eddie remembered it to be. Going down to the sewers seemed to go a lot quicker than when they were trying to run away from the collapsing cave. 

There was a limited number of thoughts swirling through his head at that moment, most consisting of _Get out before we all die_ and _Richie, gotta help Richie._

There was an instant feeling of relief when the first signs of day broke through the never ending tunnels of Derry’s sewer system because finally, they were getting away from that damned clown and all the pain that it had put them through over the years - was still putting them through because _Richie, Stan, Richie, Stan_.

Ben and Mike, practically dragging Richie at this point, were the first out of the tunnel, Eddie not too far behind. Bev came swiftly behind him and Bill moments behind her. They were back in the rotting house on Neibolt street and of course, that was simply part of IT’s hallucination and that was also on the brink of collapsing, leaving no one time to stop and catch their breath.

The losers finally stumbled out of the old abandoned house, onto the road outside of it. They all seemed to trip, falling onto one another as they watched the house collapse in on itself, as if being absorbed by a sink hole.

When the deafening sounds of the collapse died down, the world around them was left eerily quiet.

No cars, no birds, no people, no killer clowns.

Nothing.

It was Ben who broke the silence, having placed Richie’s body onto the concrete, he had two fingers pressed to his jaw, a look of horror on his face as he looked back at them, ‘Guys..’

It was as if his heart fell into the pit of his stomach, a solid boulder crashing throughout his body, Eddie would later go on to describe the feeling, years down the line when everyone had sealed with the trauma of everything.

And then, ‘Someone call 911.’

Eddie was able to move again, dropping to his knees and not even feeling the tiny stones digging into his skin as he leaned over Richie.

He shoved Ben’s hands out of the way, checking himself for a pulse but finding nothing thrumming under his fingers, instead all he felt was the cooling skin of the comedian laying in front of him.

In that background, Eddie could hear one of his friends on the phone to someone - _who’s phone had even survived all that_? - but he was more focused on trying to save Richie.

Linking his hands together, he began to push down on his chest, ignoring the way he could feel the bones of his ribs cracking underneath the pressure, because _broken bones heal, dead people do not_. Delivering the required breaths he began to press on his chest again and continued for a while.

Vaguely, he could hear himself shouting at the others, with wheezing breaths, ‘where was the ambulance?’ Before someone began to remove him from Richie.

He almost began to lash out, but stopped when he realised that Bill had taken over for him and that he was in the middle of an asthma attack.

Not having his inhaler, why did he think it was a good idea to burn it? All he could do was attempt to focus on his breathing as Ben was there in front of him, trying to coax him into breathing normally but for the life of him, he could not turn his gaze away from Richie’s lifeless form, Bill leaning above him and pressing down onto his chest as he tried to bring him back to life, or at least keep his heart going until someone with more medical experience could get it beating on it’s own. 


	3. if these wings could fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hospitals were white, sterile and full of people who who were waiting to know how their loved one was doing.  
they were no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, sorry, sorry!  
pretty sure i promised this chapter to be done by like friday? but then i was going home for the weekend, and then i went out with my mother and brother, uni work to be done then saturday i had more uni work and my friend’s 18th and then today guess what? more uni work and i had to travel back to uni.  
so now i’ve got five minutes, i finished the end of chapter 3 ready for you.  
also planned out the rest of the story and can confirm that there will be 8 chapters (like 5 more after this one) and potentially more connected stories if interested? (a prequel to a plot point i haven’t got to yet, if anyone is interested?)  
any way .... enjoy
> 
> chapter title; wings, birdy

Individual words had began to blend into one. What was once understandable to Eddie was now just a garble of different noises that he couldn’t quiet make out. He had been aware enough to answer as many questions that he possibly could, but that had been an hour ago.

Or was it a couple hours ago?

A day, maybe?

_(what happened?)_

The rest of the losers club had stumbled in at some point, Bev taking her seat next to him and the others dotting themselves around where there was a spare seat. For a Tuesday, the ER waiting room was really busy.

(_we were running around the sewers, under the old house on neiboltand he - he slipped. fell down a rock slope._)

The garble he once been able to somewhat hear began to fade into white noise, consuming him. It started in his chest, his heart to be more specific. Almost as if someone had reached a hand into his chest and squeezed his heart. In a way, Richie had.

(_he’s losing a lot of blood_.)

But no, what was he talking about? There was no way that he loved Richie like that. He had married Myra. He loved Myra.

The way that she cared for him, made sure he had taken his medication, that he was safe, that he didn’t come into contact with anything he was allergic to. She was very similar in that way to...

(_but there’s no where that he could be bleeding from?!_)

His mother.

Richie was right.

He’d married his mother.

And it had taken him ten years to realise it.

(_it doesn’t have to be on the outside. he’s bleeding internally._)

Did he even like girls? He’d never thought about it.

All he could hear in his head was his mother talking.

‘You’ll get sick.’ ‘You’re not sick like them, Eddie-bear. If you were we’d need to fix you.’ ‘That’s not a problem though, right?’

And then his mother’s voice morphed into that of Myra’s.

‘You’re not one of those, right, Eddie?’ ‘You love me, Eddie. You married me after all.’

(_he’ll have to go straight through. he needs surgery.)_

‘Eddie, are you ok?’ Bev asked quietly from next to him. He turned his head just enough to catch her eyes. ‘You’re really pale.’

‘I’m always fucking pale,’ he choked out, but breathing was becoming harder the more he thought.

Bev placed a gentle hand on his arm, ‘Eddie, do you need your inhaler?’

‘Probably,’ he let out a breathless laugh. ‘But it’s probably still burning in that cave.’ And for a moment, he needed to squeeze his eyes shut because of the memories that over came him.

(_pulse lost, starting CPR_.)

The hand on his arm was removed for a moment before he heard Bev softly say, ‘Here.’

Opening his eyes, Eddie was greeted by the familiar sight of blue plastic. Tucked into Beverly’s hand was an inhaler that looked almost exactly like his other one. ‘What? But how?’

‘Richie- ‘ She had to take a pause. ‘He, uh, he always carried one on him. We were talking when everyone had gone wherever the other night. He, he told me he didn’t know why he carried it. Thought that it was important to someone and, uh, he said it gave him a comfort of some sort.’

Eddie was stunned for a moment, not sure how to respond to that. ‘But -‘ he choked on another wheezing breath.

‘I took it out of his pocket,’ She admitted. ‘You had burned yours and he wasn’t looking good so I grabbed it.’

The perfectly - average - not - at - all short height man took the inhaler with a shaking hand, shook it a little and opened the cap. He took a big breath using it and felt the tightness relax a little. Enough that he wasn’t going to have another asthma attack but there was still that lingering feeling.

He could see that Bev was trying desperately not to cry and failing pretty miserably. Eddie raised his arm a little, letting her lean against him as she began to sob quietly.

And at some point, the rest of the losers joined, them, each holding onto each other in some way or another, as the only sound that came from their little corner was Bev’s sobs.

_(you’ll have to go the waiting room, sir)_

* * *

The first awareness he had to his surroundings was the hand on his shoulder, trying to shake him awake. 

Everything was fuzzy for a moment as he tried to grab his bearings, but the shaking of his shoulder became more persistent and eventually, he managed to crack his eyes open.

The first sight that greeted him was the sterile walls of the hospital. Confusing gripped him, because weren’t they just in cave? It didn’t take long for his thoughts to catch up with him and he could hear his name being called from above him.

‘-ie. Eddie? Wake up. The doctor is here to talk to us,’ Bill was leaning over him, watching him carefully as he tried to gather his thoughts into something more coherent.

‘What? What’s going on?’ He asked as peeled his body from the uncomfortable plastic chairs of the waiting room, hearing his back pop and crack as he did so, reminding him that he was not a child anymore. ‘Doctor? Is he ok?’ His mind finally caught up with him, remembering where he was and what for.

Said doctor in front of them looked exhausted, their scrubs crinkled and bags under their eyes as the events of the last few hours showed. ‘I’m Mr. Tozier’s doctor. It was touch and go for a while. We almost lost him several times but we managed to avoid doing so. His broken arm has been set and cast along with the fingers he broke. That should heal in several weeks and as long as they heal to a good standard, that will be all for them.’

‘The same goes for the concussion Mr. Tozier sustained during the... fall,’ The doctor seemed weary of their story and they had every right to be. What kind of grown adults just go running around like they were 13 in the sewers of all places? ‘We want to monitor him for a little bit just to make sure that there is no further damage that we may have missed but we have full confidence that he should recover from them without much issue.’

‘What about the surgery? Why did he need it?’ Mike was the one to ask and Eddie was grateful he wasn’t forced to be the one to ask it. He also chose to ignore the side look Mike shot his way, focusing wholly on the doctor.

There was some bleeding along the right side of his body,’ She confirmed. ‘There was bleeding from several spots, some we weren’t aware of until we were in there. He is currently undergoing a blood transfusion and we are monitoring him closely to make sure that he remains stable while he recovers. We’ve got him in a medically induced coma for the time being but we hope to bring him out of it within the next-‘

The rest of the doctor’s comments on Richie’s condition faded to white noise as Eddie Kaspbrak hit the floor, surrounded by darkness.

(_we’ll do everything we can, kid)_

_(we’ll save your husband.)_


	4. quiet when i’m coming home (and i’m on my own)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> march 8th 1982 his life was changed.  
he was six.  
then nine.  
then 13.  
then 18.  
now 40.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. uh oops? i did it again didn’t i? if i don’t post within a reasonable amount of time, go ahead and heckle me because that’s what’s going to make me write unfortunately.  
here’s chapter 4, halfway through now!  
had to get a new ipad because i had a disaster day last week and my ipad didn’t make it through so i’ve lost my story plan for this one, great i know. gonna have to try and pull together what i can!  
i have two more ideas in mind for different stories, don’t know if they’ll go ahead yet.  
also haven’t finished the book yet so some things may be off here? sorry...
> 
> chapter title; when the party’s over billie eilish

‘So this is what death feels like?’

It couldn’t have been much more of a cliche line if he had tried and Richie couldn’t help the little chuckle that burst forth from his lips.

What was around him, Richie wasn’t able to make out. Everything was bright and white, but there was a hazy sort of tint to it. Despite everything around him, everything seemed to be non - distinguishable and he actually brought a hand up to his face just to make sure that he had his glasses on.

Even though he was not able to make out his surroundings very clearly, there was a persistent beeping that was beginning to get on his last nerve but there seemed to be no source for it.

Fantastic.

The sound of a door opening was the first thing that Richie was aware of - excluding the beeping - and that was quickly followed by a low, male voice.

‘I really shouldn’t be allowing all of you in here at once. Especially in the state you lot are in,’ Richie could hear the disgust in the man’s voice and could imagine that he was crinkling his nose. ‘You’ve got to be quick. The only reason I’m letting you do this is to get rid of you lot. This is a hospital, you know. We have to keep some standards of cleanliness.’

More footsteps followed before the door clicked shut again.

Vaguely, Richie was able to make out the outlines of five others, specifically what appeared to be four males and one female.

_The losers club, perhaps? _

None of the five new visitors made a movement for what could have been an hour but was more likely to have been a few minutes before the short one - _Eddie_ \- stepped forwards. Reaching his hand out tentatively, Richie watched as he made his was over to the bed - _that’s what one of the hazy shapes was _\- and let his fingers brush gently over the occupants cheek.

At the same moment, he felt something ghosting over his own cheek and startled backwards momentarily.

Only when the little one - _Eddie_ \- let out the softest whisper of, ‘Richie.’ Did he realise that it was him in the bed and he was having some real trippy experience right about now. Way different to that time he got high when he was in his twenties and went on a mad eating spree that raised some eyebrows.

That seemed to get the others moving as they crowded around his bed, the girl - _Beverly_ \- came up next to Eddie and rested her head on his shoulder.

It was then Richie noticed the black smoke beginning to fill the room and turned to the others in panic. They, however, did not seem to notice this change in the room and carried on talking as if nothing was happening.

‘Hello?’ He tried. ‘Guys please! There’s something wrong! Can anybody hear me?’

The sensation moved quickly, starting in his toes, rapidly spreading up his body, through his legs, into his middle, down his arms and into his fingers. By the time it reached his head, it was like a light switch had been turned off and the last thing he could hear was a high pitched screeching.

* * *

_‘Hey sweetheart,’the soft voice spoke to him and he turned towards it. The lady crouched down next to him was watching him with a kind smile, warm brown eyes and a few stray strands of hair falling onto her face. ‘My name’s Kathleen, are you Richie?’_

_He eyed her up with interest, twirling the block in his hand slightly. The blocks were designed for babies and he wasn’t a baby anymore, he was a big boy - six yesterday - but there was no other toys that interested him in the room so that was all he was stuck with. He gave her a nod, still watching her carefully._

_‘I heard you saw something today, would you like to tell me what?’She asked him, the warm tone never leaving her voice._

_Turning back to the blocks that were scattered around the floor, he added a few more to the pile before answering. ‘Daddy went to work and it was me and Mommy. We had fun and played some games and did some baking - we made cookies and they were so good but mommy said I couldn’t have anymore until after dinner. When daddy came home he was acting funny but mommy just told me to go play in the other room. Then daddy started shouting before it got real quiet. And then Mrs. Kelley came in and she took me away. When’s mommy coming back?’_

_The kind smile slipped from Kathleen’s face as she regarded what the little boy had just told her. ‘She’s not coming back, sweetie. She’s gone to a better place now and your daddy won’t be able to hurt her anymore.’_

_Shoulders slumped and bottom lip trembling, Richie whimpered out a soft, ‘I guess that’s ok.’_

_‘And you are going to live with your sister. You remember Madeline right? She’s going to come and get you are you’re going to get to live with her from now on. Is that ok?’_

_Somewhere vaguely in the back of Richie’s mind he could make out a girl with soft blonde hair and bright blue eyes but it had been so long, just so long that he couldn’t remember her properly._

_All he offered was a shrug in return._

* * *

_‘Richard, could you come here please?’ The voice of his older sister called up to him, Richie was currently in his new room, surrounded by boxes of things that needed to be unpacked but every time he found something new, he would get side tracked and start playing with that. _

_Huffing a sigh, the now nine - year - old got up off the floor, throwing the robot toy to one side and made his way onto the landing and down the stairs._

_‘It’s Richie, Maddie.’ He told her as he entered the kitchen where she was standing, one of the twins placed on her hip. In her other hand, she was trying to sort out the dishes from their box._

_‘Richie, yes, of course.’ She nodded half heartedly and Richie was sure that she wasn’t paying him too much attention. ‘I need you to go to the market. We need some baby formula before we run out.’ She thrust some money towards him and shooed him out the door._

_He glanced up at the peeling red door of their new house, watching it for just a moment. It was a little fuzzy, but so was everything else he looked at. That’s the way it had always been for him. It was normal._

_Turning around, he kept his eyes trained on the floor as he made his way down the drive, thinking about how he was a burden in the house, how he was used for running errands and being another pair of hands around the house, not being a child like he should have been._

_Once he reached the end of the drive, he startled to see a pair of battered sneakers in front of him. Jumping backwards, he glanced up and was met with the faces of three boys. Two were around his height and one was so short the top of his head barely brushed Richie’s shoulder. ‘Who the dick are you?’ He asked, glad Maddie hadn’t been around to hear because we don’t use that language around the kids, Richard._

_‘I’m B-b-b-bill,’ the one with blondish - reddish hair stuttered out. ‘He’s Stan,’ he pointed to the boy with extremely curly light hair next to him before pointing to the short one, ‘T-that’s-s Eddie.’_

_‘We haven’t seen you before. The Jame’s house has been for sale for years. Someone finally brought the shit hole?’ Eddie spat out at a speed that was hard to keep up with for anyone else but Richie was a pro in the art of fast speaking and understood every word._

_‘Yeah, we just- holy fuck is that a fanny pack?’_

* * *

_The punch made his ears ring momentarily as he fell backwards onto the pavement and his eye began to throb painfully. _

_Somewhere in the back of his mind he could remember the same sensation over 10 years ago, except it was his father delivering the blow and he was much smaller._

_Instinct took over him and Mike and Ben had to literally drag him backwards with all his strength to stop him from attacking Bill._

_Normally he wasn’t much of a violent kid, but this fucking clown had really put him on edge._

_Actually he’d been on edge since Georgie disappeared leaving behind a pool of blood that quickly washed away in the rain._

_That had been a hard thing to stomach because Georgie was like a little brother to him. Actually, Bill, Stan and Eddie were like his brothers - _are you sure you see Eddie as a brother? That was quickly pushed away._ Sure Richie had his own siblings but his sister was 20 years older than him and his brother 18 so they couldn’t exactly play together. Then there was the twins and Bethany but they were his niece and nephews technically, and they were way younger than him so he couldn’t really play with them. So yeah, he adopted his friends as his siblings._

_And then there was his missing poster that sparked fear in him because would anyone actually notice if he was to turn around and disappear into the night or be sucked down a drain by a murderous clown? Then the damn room filled with clowns and his rotting wooden doll thing with it’s mouth sewn shut and Eddie breaking his arm and-_

_Retching his arms from the boys’ grip, Richie took off towards his bike, grabbed it and cycled away as fast as he physically could because he couldn’t stay here anymore and the anxiety was getting to him and he was going to hurl if he didn’t escape._

_After that day, Richie didn’t go home for a further day - _no it wasn’t noticed_ \- and didn’t see the losers for another 3 weeks._

* * *

_Beverly was gone._

_Ben was going._

_Bill was going._

_Stan was going._

_Eddie was going._

_They were all leaving and god damn it, it hurt so much._

_Why did everyone have to leave him, every single time?_

_Not this time. This time he was going to be the first one to go._

_Gathering a backpack of things, he took one last glance around the room, not noticing the Polaroid that he had left behind. The one of the loser club at his and Eddie’s joint 18th birthday party._

_(the one where Richie and Eddie where partially sat on top of each other, limbs intertwined as they held each other close and Richie was defiantly not panicking about how Eddie defiantly could feel his heart beating out of his chest)_

_Climbing down the drain pipe outside his bedroom window, Richie disappeared into the night._

* * *

_That was July 29th 1994. _

_The next time he would return would be September 6th 2016._

* * *

_‘You’ll float too, Richie!’ Georgie’s voice came from behind him as he briskly walked out of his hotel room and into a waiting taxi to take him to the airport. _

_To Derry. _

* * *

_‘You are the wrong one, loud one. You are here before your time, but have also extended the life of another. Return at once.’_

* * *

‘Mr Tozier, if you can hear us, squeeze my hand.’ A distant voice called to him.

‘Mr. Tozier, squeeze my hand if you can hear me,’ the voice asked again.

Mustering up as much strength as he could, Richie lightly gripped the fingers in his grasp and tried to suck a breath in.

And then he began choking.


	5. too afraid to say, he’ll give his heart to you forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eddie has a long winded love confession to a still unconscious richie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, here’s a whole chapter of eddie spilling his guts to richie because he loves him.   
working on the last couple of chapters alongside two (2) other stories? yikes i need to stop. 
> 
> chapter title; fine by me - andy grammer

The last week and a half had defiantly saved a few years off of Eddie’s life. No question about it.

He had been practically glued to his chair for the last couple of days, playing the waiting game. It was very rarely that the other losers could get him to remove himself from the chair long enough to get him to look after himself.

Ever since their scare a few days ago, Richie had been fading in and out of consciousness at random intermissions. There was no telling when he was next going to wake up and how long he was going to be awake for. So far, he hadn’t been awake more than five minutes and even then he wasn’t really coherent enough to hold a conversation.

Eddie remembers the exact moment Richie’s heart began to give out due to the blood loss. They had been gathered around him, just watching and whispering to each other when the alarms started to ring.

Apparently, one of the stitches they’d placed had come loose, causing him to slowly bleed until they were made aware. After another round of surgery, they’d been able to remove the tube and Richie had been pretty stable ever since.

Everyone else had started to leave one by one, their careers calling them back much sooner than they’d liked. Eddie was the only one who’d stayed at that point, apart from Mike who was still packing up his home in the library. He’d had a ton of vacation days saved up and he was probably going to quit anyway. He needed something new.

That left Eddie where he currently was, reminiscing over their past.

‘Remember that time you caused absolute chaos on Mike’s grandfather’s farm?’ He chuckled a little at the memory. ‘We spent the best part of two days gathering those chickens back up, Richie. I can’t even remember why you let them all go, but it was defiantly a stupid idea.’

With a breath, Eddie stopped for a moment to think. ‘Sometimes... sometimes I wish we could go back. When we were in high school, remember? It was so much easier then.’

‘Every Friday night, we’d rotate who’s house we’d go to and we’d rent some mostly shitty movies. We’d all pass out on the floor and we’d... we’d always end up wrapped up in each other.’

Another pause. ‘For years, I couldn’t remember anything about my childhood. There was just nameless faces. Hell, I couldn’t remember any faces at all. It was just like my childhood had been replaced with generic memories and it was awful now that I think about it.’

‘Every time someone asked me about it, I’d just kind of brush it off, come up with and answer that seemed to fit and that would be that but it always felt like something was missing, something important.’

‘And then Mike calls and we all come back here and it’s like the damn has released. I can finally remember everything again and It felt amazing. But at the same time, there was still something missing. I still couldn’t unlock the final piece.’

Richie was still lying in basically the same position he had been since he was brought back from his second surgery. His cheeks had a bit more colour and he’d lost a bit of weight but other than that there wasn’t much change. ‘I think I’ve finally figured it out, Richie.’

‘It was you I was missing.’

‘My whole life, it was drilled into my head that it was dirty to love another man. That I was sick if I did with everything else drilled into my head about germs, I - I couldn’t fathom the idea of it. Myra, my mother knew her and set us up before she died. It felt wrong, being with Myra and living this lie, I think it’s been slowly killing me? She’s always trying to get me onto different medications and she’s already got me on a few. You were right. she’s exactly like my mother and you remember what happened with the medication my mother put me on, how much that shit stunted me physically. What if this time it kills me?’

‘I filed for a divorce. I can’t keep lying to myself. I thought that I loved Myra, but it’s not love. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I married her because my mother died.’ He let out a breathy chuckle as he voiced that thought. ‘I can hear you already making a joke about it.’

‘My mother died and I think I thought I had some obligation to my mother to marry Myra. She was abusive but my mother was also sick. She suffered from her own illness that never went checked. She needed help but now it’s too late.’

Eddie had to stop and gather his thoughts. It was as if the floodgates of his life had opened and here he was, pouring his heart and soul out into the open for anyone to hear, for Richie to hear. It was terrifying to be talking about all this out loud. Eddie didnt realise that he had these thoughts before. It was like they were being pulled from deep down inside and one part of him was wishing that they would just go back into the deep dark corner of his repressed mind that they had come from but another was glad they were being released and never wanted to stop, he was already feeling lighter and he hadn’t even gotten to the best bit.

‘Richie, I-‘ This was defiantly the hardest thing Eddie was ever going to say. ‘I think- what I’m trying to say is- God, this is harder than I thought it was going to be.’

‘You’re braver than you think.’

‘Damnit, I hate it when you’re right, Richie,’ He inhaled deeply and:- ‘I love you, Richie. God damnit I love you so much it kills me inside and the best part about it? I didn’t even realise that I was in love with you. Honest to god full blown love - you - until - we’re - old - and - grey - and - we - die - in - each - other’s - arms - at - one-hundred and one kind of love.’

‘Just please wake up so I can say that to you when you’re awake?’ The shorter man turned to leave because despite feeling a million times lighter, he was going to go crazy if he sat in the room with a man who wasn’t able to respond to his twenty - seven years in the making love confession.

Just as he entered the doorway, back turned to the bed, he heard a soft, croaky but all too familiar voice call to him, ‘Eddie? Is it true?’


End file.
